Recently, I’ve been poking around OkCupid again, scoping out eligible persons in my local area. I’ve been a veteran online dater since the AOL days (a/s/l?), so the process is nothing new or exciting to me, merely another way to meet people. At 31, it’s perhaps one of the best ways. As we all know, after you turn 30, meeting new people becomes about as difficult as learning a new language. Having a completed questionnaire next to a picture, age, and location is just incredibly efficient for aging introverts like myself.
I haven’t cruised OkCupid for almost two years (having just been in a relationship), and prior to that, I was in another two year relationship that of course precluded any online romance. So, I feel like I’m coming to the practice with fresh eyes. That’s why I’m just now noticing aspects of it that are perhaps obvious to others. Gradually, I’ve become aware of a thought pattern that I’m frankly a little ashamed of, and it’s one that is likely inherent to the entire enterprise of online dating sites. I realized that I was browsing OkCupid the way I browse Amazon. I was browsing human beings.
It’s natural that in any situation in which people socialize, there will always be an element of selling yourself that comes into play. We go out, we dress flattering, we behave politely, we try to show our best selves in order to attract companionship. What disturbed me about my thought process on OkCupid was that I was treating these people far more… commercially than seemed fair. I was subjecting these people to scrutiny, especially physical scrutiny, that I would never use with a live person chatting me up at a bar. “Eh, that haircut is gross. Next! Man, her cheekbones could cut glass. Next! Her nose is seven degrees too upturned. Next! I’m not sure her smile is close enough to the Golden Ratio when measured against the length of her face from chin to hair line. Next!” Sitting at my computer at midnight in my flannel old-man pajamas, I had limitless time to just stare at these people and pick them apart for flaws. Eventually, I sat back and asked myself just precisely who the hell did I think I was to think about people in that way?
No web page can really capture a person and no one photo gives you a sense of what they really look like in the wild. We all know this instinctively, yet it was so easy to pretend that this girl’s one photo perfectly rendered her as she would always look and was justification for movin' along. I’m certainly not saying physical attraction has no place in romance. Of course it does! There is nothing wrong with pursuing someone whose appearance gives you the tinglies. What I was doing was well beyond that. I was shopping. I was holding up two women and comparing their ingredients. I was leaning in and leering at their pores and ear lobes and then checking the price tag to see if they were a good value. How disgusting is that!
All this has not dissuaded me from considering online dating to be a viable alternative for meeting new people. In our modern age, it’s the natural evolution of the bar scene or the church social or being betrothed or whatever it was my grandparents did. I’m just trying to approach the whole thing with a little more humility. People are meant to be met, meant to be talked to, meant to be laughed with, meant to be flirted with, meant to be encouraged, meant to be treated with dignity. They are not meant to be reduced to a product and given a star rating. I need to remember that so I can be the kind of guy worth messaging back.
I haven’t cruised OkCupid for almost two years (having just been in a relationship), and prior to that, I was in another two year relationship that of course precluded any online romance. So, I feel like I’m coming to the practice with fresh eyes. That’s why I’m just now noticing aspects of it that are perhaps obvious to others. Gradually, I’ve become aware of a thought pattern that I’m frankly a little ashamed of, and it’s one that is likely inherent to the entire enterprise of online dating sites. I realized that I was browsing OkCupid the way I browse Amazon. I was browsing human beings.
It’s natural that in any situation in which people socialize, there will always be an element of selling yourself that comes into play. We go out, we dress flattering, we behave politely, we try to show our best selves in order to attract companionship. What disturbed me about my thought process on OkCupid was that I was treating these people far more… commercially than seemed fair. I was subjecting these people to scrutiny, especially physical scrutiny, that I would never use with a live person chatting me up at a bar. “Eh, that haircut is gross. Next! Man, her cheekbones could cut glass. Next! Her nose is seven degrees too upturned. Next! I’m not sure her smile is close enough to the Golden Ratio when measured against the length of her face from chin to hair line. Next!” Sitting at my computer at midnight in my flannel old-man pajamas, I had limitless time to just stare at these people and pick them apart for flaws. Eventually, I sat back and asked myself just precisely who the hell did I think I was to think about people in that way?
No web page can really capture a person and no one photo gives you a sense of what they really look like in the wild. We all know this instinctively, yet it was so easy to pretend that this girl’s one photo perfectly rendered her as she would always look and was justification for movin' along. I’m certainly not saying physical attraction has no place in romance. Of course it does! There is nothing wrong with pursuing someone whose appearance gives you the tinglies. What I was doing was well beyond that. I was shopping. I was holding up two women and comparing their ingredients. I was leaning in and leering at their pores and ear lobes and then checking the price tag to see if they were a good value. How disgusting is that!
All this has not dissuaded me from considering online dating to be a viable alternative for meeting new people. In our modern age, it’s the natural evolution of the bar scene or the church social or being betrothed or whatever it was my grandparents did. I’m just trying to approach the whole thing with a little more humility. People are meant to be met, meant to be talked to, meant to be laughed with, meant to be flirted with, meant to be encouraged, meant to be treated with dignity. They are not meant to be reduced to a product and given a star rating. I need to remember that so I can be the kind of guy worth messaging back.
2:25 PM
